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Sep. 24th, 2008

09:51 pm - Love!

Well I am still going out with the girl. And traveling way too much for work, this is my first Wednesday at home in a month. The girl well we are doing well - we cuddled for the first time in public on Sunday evening and I experienced my first homophobe comment here in Europe. We were sitting and cuddling outside a cafe and this guy walks by mumbles something and then sticks out his tongue (use your imagination). We just looked at each other and laughed. We both are rather androgynous people especially with my hoodie on - after all it is getting chilly here in northern Europe. The whole thing was funny, and rather entertaining, but at the same time disturbing since all we were doing was holding hands and sitting close together. Oh well we had a fun evening up till then, we played basketball with a few friends then grabbed dinner and followed it up by coffee. We walked home from the cafe when we got to her building she asked me what I was planning on doing now and the only lame thing I could get out was I was going home - after all i had a report to write and it was Sunday evening. She invited me up, but I looked at her and gave her a hug + kiss I then left. I should have stayed, but I honest the god was tied and wanted to go home and sleep. A day later I got the sweetest sms from her! For a girl who said she wasn't interested because of my age she is sure not showing that disinterest. Oh well I am enjoying it and she is too apparently so on life goes in my wild world of dyke drama.

Aug. 6th, 2008

05:50 pm - Falling in love!

What is it like to fall in love? Well I am finding out for the first time in ages. I met a girl a few moths ago in a lesbian social group and we hit it off. Over pride weekend we went out with some of the other group memebers and well lets just say we put on a show out on the dance floor. I can't even count how many times she grabbed my ass or my hand. We even had some quiet moments just cuddling. There were no kisses exchanged that night besides a peck on the cheek for a kiss good night. So here I am, not quite maddly in love but certainly getting close. She will become if successful will be the first woman I would have dated since my physical change. I had another girl I was sort of seeing in my last sememster of school, but it didn't work as I was on my way to Europe, so starting a relationship would have not been the brightest idea. It is nice to finally be attractive as a lesbian. I never thought I would be desired by a lesbian, but then again lesbians don't see me any different nor should they as I live my life as a cisgendered person. It was quite funny saturday at pride as I had no less then 2 women hit on me. What a change from when I was a guy and not a sinlge woman would hit on me, funning how things change.
The women who I am interested is also interested in me, she has made that clear on saturday. She is older, by older I mean almost forty, which does seem old to a 27 year old. Trust me everything over 30 is old in my head, at least for now, talk to me in ten years. The thing is I don't mind her age and I think she is beautiful despite her older appearnace, aka wrinkles. She is such a nice lady, so kind and loving, we get together like peas in a pod, we laugh while falling into eachothers' arms. Now I wait for her nest sms (text message for NA). I was over at her place on Monday and had a great time, we moved out some garbage and after just sat chatting until 1am at which point I had to reming myself I had to be at work for 9 the next morning. This pales in comparison to our 4:30 end to our dirty dance session on saturday at pride. We both left after we were walking hand in hand off the stage - as we were walking she gave my hand a squeeze, I knew I would never forget that squeeze.
Now I sit in the train heading back home from a consulting job in the south of the country and all I can think of is her. Thank the goddess that I have wireless connection via the wonders of a GPRS - this way I can sit on the train and write in my blogs and serf the web on the hour journey (at least for this client). Tomorrow I might go back or might have to be at the office to do some scripting in Java. I thought this week I would focus on my work - which is usually what I do, but I decided to put in ten hour days (with the gym and my runs thrown in) to help me for get about her until Friday. Oh well I guess being like I am is better than not being in love at all. It definitely could be worse - much worse. Tonight I have to figure out how to make an application for my new iphone, why, because it is good practise and I can! Do I need another reason? Then I am off for a run, I am now running up to 45 minutes. I go from my flat to the harbour and then loop around to the back of central station and then back to my flat. If i want a longer run I go out to the park. I think the central station run as it is better lit (which is crucial for safety) and I don't have to take the same route back.

well I am almost at my transfer point, better wrap this up... until later,

lick my peach

Jul. 30th, 2008

11:15 pm - Catching up,

So here I am - still in Europe thank the lord. I am at a new job which is a blessing and a curse. I liked working or a big behemoth of a company, but now I work for a company where I can count my coworkers on my hand - one hand. This smallness has it benefits I finally get to do the work I was denied before as I was being pushed into management which is not my first choice - I personally am a more technical person. Now in the small company I can pick and choose my projects for the most part including some article writing in our field. Anyways my work is boring for most, but to me it is endlessly fascinating.

Moving on since this particular blog is not about my professional life. I am what most people would label trans, but I label myself jen (okay it is not my real name) but you get the idea. I am just me, and for some reason this self labeling is not allowed. It is strange when I first came out and and started my journey I always got told what I am, what label i should use and even how I should dress. Well now I live my life according to my own terms, I still dress the same as I did as a "boy", i still consider myself me and I really don't care if Trans people are given the label trans or not. I think how you label yourself is your own business and should not affect others. If I want to be cisgendered as a girl and deny my boy body passed then I can - no one can deny me that. I am lucky I pass and can live my life as a cisgendered person. Would I give up my life for a non-passing one, not a chance. Just as I am sure someone who doesn't pass would love my life. You are given what you are given... It doesn't mean i am not sympathetic to "trans" people, "trans" being the visibly trans. I can be trans positive and not have to label myself as such.

If I run into someone putting down a visibly trans person or trans people in general i will pipe up and say,,, how do you know that? I will question there thinking without outing myself. Then again there is nothing to out... I was born a girl and I am sticking to that answer. My mom swears i was born a girl and flatly denies my boy past... so if my mom calls me her little girl,,, well then I am her little girl.

I would like to write about my experience as a human, nothing unique, we are all unique. How I pass through this world is interesting to say the least, I often ask myself how my boy body ever morphed into a girl body in less than three years? I occasionally have gendered moments, but none where a simple umm pardon me but my name is jen... doesn't fix. I dress like a skater boy. Well at least that is what I am told. I wear hoodies and loose jeans and cargo pants, but I assure people underneath are breasts and a cunt. My cunt, pussy, my pride and joy. But my style of dress occasionally gets me into trouble, but once people see my face, my long hair, and hear my voice (which is not high pitched, but it is feminine) they tend to correct themselves. I don't care I like androgyny because I know underneath all the clothes is jen the girl - no one can take that away from me. I also tend to date girls, not because I am strictly attracted to them, just that most girls don't care what you wear as long as their are girl parts below. Boys care if you look feminine, they care what their friends' will think about them if they date a girl that doesn't quite fit their closed minded image of a girl. Not that I don't get hit on by boys, i do all the time, i even had a friend the other weekend make a move on me. If only I tried to be feminine... But I think it is my strong self assurance and just being myself that attracts them. there are lots of cookie cutter girls out there. I am unique in how I present and act, but one thing is for sure I am a girl... in my actions and physical appearance.

I never had to change how I dressed, acted or spoke to pass in fact I had to stop all my couvering up I was doing to mask my girl qualities... I had to learn just to be me, that little girl I left on the farm every summer. I still remember that one picture of me with the little frog i made a pet sitting on my tiny finger... I still have tiny figers and a love of animals. Just now my hands are normal to small for a grown female, which I guess is a bonus, In fact I wear a medium women's glove North American sizes. I was born tiny, which i guess is why i am quite small now. Did i mention my tiny feet? I like my small features. My mom used to make fun of my tiny feet, hands and nose, but now she just sees me as a girl so the tiny features fit for her. Before I used to be embarrassed about my tiny feet and hands, well more my feet, now I relish them as shoe shopping is now a breeze. I used to have to buy boy sizes, now I just buy normal women shoes. I was helping my friend paint her mother's house and I mentioned how tiny her feet were, which I noticed before (as we have been friends for many years now) and she told me her size and surprisingly her feet were only a half size smaller. I looked down at my feet at that point and realized just how small my feet were even for a women's.

So if my feet and hands and other features are small perhaps I can get my body small - which slowly it has been getting smaller. Strangely I look in the mirror and I still see the 220 weightlifter. But considering I fit into a 42 to 40 size I am no longer the big beefy person I was. I am more of my normal size now like when I was dancing professionally in my late teens and early twenties. I know my upper body can be tiny, the hormones definitely doing their part. My appetite has shrunk as well. I am eating far more salads, and less meat which helps. .Plus I play footy, run and go to the gym regularly. A few months ago I noticed my body settling down a little from the changes, but of course this is puberty and takes many years to finish, 3 to 5 years. So I got awhile to go until my body settles down, in the meantime I will work on my fitness and keep on chugging along as the girl I have become.

Moving on.... I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be this happy and successful. I am happy now.. I am girl and I have a career I love plus amazing friends, which maybe two know of my past. What could be better than being a young professional women in her late twenties living in europe with a expense account? Okay I don't have an expense account, I though can expense costs associated with my job. So here I am,, life can not be much better!!!! Who would of thought I could go from a sad, depressed, suicidal boy-bodied person to a happy and successful young women? I never would have guess my life would have turned out this way and the most wonderful thing is, my life has only just begun, who knows what the next ten years will bring. My mom was worried for me at first, now we talk on the phone regularly and all she can say is she is happy for me and can't believe how much i have changed. Before she always told me to get more friends, now she calls me a social butterfly. After all what is a greater joy for a mother than to see her only daughter blossom into a successful young women? I am proud to be her daughter. I am glad I will always be her little girl.

I better get to bed, I need to get up in the morning.


Current Location: europe...
Current Mood: tiredtired

Aug. 22nd, 2007

01:27 pm - Virtually confussing


How sad is it when we can throw all our energy into the virtual and not the physical? For example why is second life so popular? I wonder as I read reports of people making their livings in the virtual world. I am not saying anything is inherently wrong with doing this, I am more curious why people would want to buy virtual land versus the real thing? If you are going to spend money it certainly makes more sense to buy something you can actually use, does it not? I suppose the question to ask society at large is why the virtual world so much more appealing. I would perhaps be presumptuous to assume a few reasons:

1. Some view the physical world as flawed in some manner (so we seek out other alternatives, think colonizing mars when our planet is so polluted nothing can live here). The consumerist model.
2. Some view the virtual as a place of limitless possibilities.
3. Some view the virtual as a place of anonymity.

       If I am wrong please tell me. I will discuss all of these reasons, I will first begin with the consumerist model. For me this model works best in western society (
Europe, North America, Australia, New Zealand, and Japan). The virtual world becomes a new earth, one where we can create what we want (next point) but more importantly it becomes a replacement for the old model, Earth. Why fix the old one when you can just replace it with a new one, after all we have all become accustomed to this practise, as most of us are perfect little consumers -- whether we choose to be or not (which is a whole other paper). This model works to a certain point at which we soon realize we still inhabit the physical realm and can not, despite all the technology currently, escape the physical. Society has used the same logic in discourse around computers, inequality, and environmental issues. Sure computers allow us to be 'paper free' but at what costs. How much resources go into producing computers? How do we as a society deal with computers after they have been used? Sure we are paper free, but consider the other 'environmental' costs. I will now discuss the issue of possibilities.
                  Limitless possibilities brings conjures up images of anarchy or at least free choice. Of course free choice has limitations and paramaters -- there is no free choice in the physical or the virtual. We only choose from the options we have available to us at the time we make a choice. Conceptually this logic works, consider the last time you wanted to go somewhere. Sure you had the free choice to choose how you will get there, but really how many choices did you have? Car, walk, bike, scooter...either way you still had to choose between the options available to you. You were bounded by limitations. Second life has its own set of limitations -- male or female avatar being one of the most fundamental choices. So if we are bound by limitations in the virtual then this can not explain the phenomenon of second life. On to my last point.
                     Anonymity can not be assumed in any virtual space, as IP addresses are recorded. In second life, names are kept for record keeping purposes. In recent lawsuits in cyberspace and second life have led to court ordered opening of sealed databases to reveal users names, IP addresses and location. Sure in second life you can be anonymous if you wish, but only to a certain extent. And I wonder how many people create avatars which closely resemble themselves? Do all of us go out of our way to be different online, or are we just reproducing ourselves in cyberspace?
               Certainly there is no one reason people have flocked to virtual worlds like second life. I can only hypothesize the reasons. Perhaps we are looking for an alternative to the physical -- if this is the case then we must be careful not to bring the physical into the virtual. By this I mean bringing the issues which made the virtual world so attractive in the first place


Current Location: on my couch
Current Mood: dorkydorky

03:32 am - My bike is broken!

Today I have to go and fix my bike, I am so pissed. This is not the city to be bikeless, afterall I live in the most bike friendly city there is. If you don't have a bike here it is the equilivant of not having a car in LA. If is your life and your way around. i have gotten attached to mine, she is my best friend. We peddle through rain and sun. She gets me home when I am drunk or high. I have never named her, but soon I will decorate her with all the trimmings of a great bike should. I would be devistated if she were stolen or hurt (like she is now). Well I better grab a shower and peddle, if I can, to the repair shop. :)

Current Location: Europe.
Current Mood: cheerfulcheerful

Aug. 20th, 2007

11:34 am - kom binnen

I am new at this blogging stuff, but it is fitting for someone who writes on technology. I will post my musings here about technology and society. But I will also post personal stuff. I will also post stuff about sexuality and gender. I tend to be controversial and will remain that way in my writing online and in the press. I don't shy away from topics that maybe taboo or too controversial - I like heated arguements as long as they are conductive and no one gets hurt. This journal will hopefully grow in readership as the days and weeks go by. Until then sit back and enjoy the ride --- later.... 

Current Mood: bouncybouncy